I despair

I feel a bit lost today. As if a door has been closed on me. I'm in darkness. No shapes. No contours. No shadows. Not a glimmer of light.

I feel like I need to conserve what energy I have left. I'm on the edge of a precipice. One more step, and I'll be diving into an eternal abyss. I'm screaming in earnest but there is no sound. Like the starling in Lawrence Sterne's A Sentimental Journey, I seem to keep repeating... "I can't get out". I feel trapped. Shackled.

I had an incident in the office yesterday. She said, "I'm giving you professional advice because I am concerned for you and the seat you sit in." Exactly what does that mean? Does that mean, that her aim is to get me fired or does it mean that she thinks that that outcome is definitely coming my way. She said several other things but I'm just transfixed by that sentence. I cannot seem to bend my mind into thinking of anything else. Thoughts flutter in every direction and somehow just keep coming back to this sentence. I am not upset. Nor am I afraid should that be on the agenda. I'm just appalled that anyone in a managerial position could talk to anyone that way. I don't even report to her.

I'm at a loss. What should I do? Look for work elsewhere? If so, where? Doing what exactly? I feel threatened. Its an odd sensation... of imaginary walls closing in on you. Of there being no windows or doors. No light. No air. I cannot sleep... my thoughts have been kidnapped by an omnipresent sentence. I cannot escape from its clutches. I cannot breathe. I cannot win.